The Fertile Void

I am between endings and beginnings, in the in between place . It is a place I am familiar with and which is often not recognised or named as a valid phase in our lives. I have found life to be made up of cycles and knowing what part of a cycle I am in helps me accept my life as it is in that moment. When I resigned from my job in April I closed a door without knowing what was next. All I knew was that I was unwell and needed to get out of that physical environment quickly. I had no idea how I would earn an income. I went into free fall.

 

IMG_0418What I did not expect was that three months later I would still be working as a contractor for the same employer, on reduced hours three days a week from home. It has been a day by day proposition that is continuing until a permanent replacement is found. This temporary work will end in the next few weeks and my employment future is then uncertain. What next? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I need to stay faithful and allow the process I am in full expression. The in between place between endings and new beginnings was once named for me by my dear friend Georgie as the ‘fertile void’. The place of all possibilities where there is no certainty and where everything is possible. It is the place out of which everything is born. The place between endings and beginnings can be rich, mysterious, soulful and sometimes uncomfortable and challenging. It is a place where we have an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves on a deeper level, a place to call back lost parts of ourselves. Barbara Ann Brennan identified this phase for me many years ago in her book ‘Light Emerging’.

 

When Georgie named the fertile void for me my life was much more ‘void’ than it is now. It was a void created by a series of endings in 2000, first losIMG_0266ing my health as I entered Chronic Fatigue, then losing my job and ability to work, then losing a child with a miscarriage, then my relationship ending, then the home I was renting being sold so that I became homeless. This series of endings culminated on Christmas Day, 2000, the day that my pregnancy had been due. I was  literally and metaphorically on my knees and had absolutely nothing to hold onto. In that stripped bare state, I felt a very deep sense of surrender wash through me and carry me. I felt completely alone and yet held in loving hands by an unseen force. Carolyn Myss eloquently says that we need to call our spirits back and that is what I committed to do. When there is nothing external to hang onto the only way to go is in.

I am calling more of my spirit back in this time. Consciously reconnecting. I believe when I get sick that it is because something deep in me is calling for attention. It has been my experience that healing, deep healing requires working on all levels, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Our intrinsic state is one of wellness and wholeness. Illness provides an opportunity to peel away the layers that are in the way of our experiencing that.

 

Joseph Campbell said “Wandering time is positive. Don’t think of new things, don’t think of achievement, don’t think of anything of the kind. Just think, “where do I feel good? What is giving me joy? “. Get those pressure ideas out of your system, and then you can find, like a ball on a roulette wheel, where you are going to land.”

 

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The interim work that I am currently doing appeared out of the void created when I leapt into the unknown in April. This blog also arose unexpectedly and my creative expression has been juiced up with the motivation to express myself through photography and share it through the vehicle of Instagram and this blog. I am listening, listening to my own internal whispers that are guiding me to delve, to explore and practice new ways of being that will enable me to be more resilient.

What is next ? I don’t know, that will be revealed in time. What I do know is what is now and I am so grateful to have this time to dive in and to be supported with temporary paid work whilst I do that.

 

 

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