Posts Tagged ‘fertile void’

A Bird’s-Eye View

November 27, 2014


The last 6 months for me have been a period of change; healing, enlivening and sometimes challenging.


Recently I went to the local Spa to relax and detoxify. I felt the end of week tension gradually leave and a sense of spaciousness and ease come in. I felt myself rise up above all the detail of my life and get a bird’s-eye view, an eagle’s view and gain a deeper understanding.

When I’m in my day to day life I sometimes feel uncomfortable about what I perceive as uncertainty around my work and income. Taking time out to relax through a long walk or a long soak at the spa helps reconnect me to the bigger picture of my life.


At the spa I became aware of the spaciousness of uncertainty and how it leaves room for change, transformation and growth. Gradually my circumstances have been changing and I’ve been changing.


To my surprise my paid work has continued and evolved and a new part-time home-based sales role was created for me by my existing employer, working half the hours I was before.

As I relaxed in the spa, I felt like I was watching a movie trailer of my life as a synopsis of the last 6 months passed gently through my mind. I’m much more creatively satisfied than I was 6 months ago, having developed IMG_1586creative outlets through writing and photography.


I’ve been learning how to relax and switch off my nervous system through daily or twice daily deep rest and relaxation times.


I’ve brought more pleasure into my life through weekly Nia dance classes and beach walks with friends.


At the local Farmers Market I buy my weekly organic vegetables and eggs from happy chooks, and enjoy relaxing in the company of friends and listening to the music. Weekly trips to the Farmers market used to be something to cross off my ‘to do’ list as I raced off to work and it took months to break my task driven habit of rushing.


I recently attended a Connecting to Your Pleasure workshop to see what I could learn there and it helped re-ignite my relationship to my senses through stopping and noticing and savouring mindfully what I’m experiencing in each moment of the day.

Having this eagle’s awareness come to me in the spa was a relief as recently anxiety had got a hold of me. As I’ve pared back my work hours I’ve been faced with what’s left. Me. No place to IMG_2045hide.


What’s revealed when I stop?

When I resist the urge to fill the space things begin to percolate up from inside and are revealed to me. Inner voices tell me, ‘You should get a more secure job’ and ‘You should be earning more money’. Another chides me, ‘Surely if you have nothing else constructive to do then you should be working on your next blog right now.’ Apparently rest and relaxation are not permitted activities! I dig a bit deeper, what’s under this?


I reveal inner voices that whisper I’m unsafe, that life is a struggle, that I can’t be REALLY healthy and on it goes.


On occasion I’ve been ‘shoulding’ on myself,  future tripping, ‘what if’ ing and worrying. Unhelpful pastimes. It’s no wonder I’ve been feeling anxiety as I come up against old limiting beliefs.


Where do these voices come from?


Often out of our mouths or into our minds come voices we heard when we were young. It may not even be something a parent or teacher said, but something we told ourselves and came to believe as a truth due to the circumstances we experienced. Levering out these little hidden nuggets and shining light on them I can begin to question how true they are and decide whether I want to believe or follow their directives anymore. They begin losing their power to influence my life.


Issues of anxiety and depression have been present through my life, through watching my mother and other family members deal with them and through my own experience of themIMG_2167. My mother suffered from crippling anxiety and depression throughout her life and it was never diagnosed or treated. As a child I didn’t realise she had an illness, I just came to know life through the prism of anxiety.


Due to my recent anxious thinking I’d begun to feel my health sliding backwards and with some external help turned that around. Central to my healing journey over the past 14 years has been identifying, releasing and healing old emotional wounds that hijack my health.  It is by no means the only factor and it is an important one. I’ve been blessed to have a skilled facilitator to guide this process utilising Kinesiology at the Byron Bay Wellness Centre.


Our mental and emotional states directly affect our physical health through our etheric body and meridian system and not only our current emotional state, but emotional states we’ve experienced in the past that can be triggered by current circumstances. I’ve discovered first hand that our bodies store emotional memories and have habituated ways of responding to certain emotional triggers and they can be re-trained.


IMG_0964How can I feel secure in the midst of change and uncertainty?

Connecting to my higher awareness and guidance through listening to the quiet, still voice within provides me with a feeling of security, and that’s what I connected to when I was in the spa. We all have the ability to tap into ‘all that is’, the mystery of life that we are an aspect of. There are resources and wisdom available there which are not available when I am just connected to my small, fearful, anxious ‘I’ self.

I listened to my intuition earlier in the year as I wrote in my journal:


“23/4/14 – I am launching myself into the abyss, the fertile void, the place of all possibility once more. A path of uncertainty, of opening and expansion. My soul calls me forwardIMG_3031. A desire to expand and experience more aspects of life, beyond logic. An impulse to free up constraints and express more of my intrinsic nature, to more deeply connect with the source of all things. What’s next? Self care and self kindness, enrichment and release, listening and allowing, opening and trusting. Emerging clarity. “


Lao Tsu said, ‘ Do you have the patience to wait until the mud settles and the water is clear. Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself ? ‘. I’ve chosen to listen to my soul, stay in the uncertainty and allow the unravelling. I know that change takes time.


I’m seeing that more is drawn forth from you when you create space in your life. Both more soulful expression and sometimes obstacles to tIMG_2692hat expression. Anxious voices from within or others about what you ‘should’ do or be doing may come in and tempt you to fill the space. Wait and see if it feels right. If it doesn’t, don’t. More of you will be revealed and reflected back to you if you can stand the pressure and wait, listen and be and only act when ‘the right action arises by itself’.


Mindfulness, having your awareness in this present moment and responding from there, is  an antidote to anxiety. When we are mindful in each moment we are not future or past tripping or worrying about ‘what ifs’. It is an act of self-kindness and is good for our mental health, our emotional health and our physical heath and it’s something I’m cultivating.

I’m finding on my days off, when the ‘sRIMG0283hould’ voices tell me to do something that I now stop, check inside with how I’m feeling and ask myself, ‘what do I need right now?’ and ‘what do I feel drawn to do right now?’. I often find that what I really need or want in that moment is to prepare some food or have a nap!



For $15 for an hour’s soak and deep relaxation at the local Spa I got more than I was expecting. I gained a bird’s-eye view and a deeper understanding and acceptance of how my life is right now. I rose above my anxious inner voices and I was reminded that life is unfolding and taking care of me and enriching me, one moment at a time.

The Fertile Void

July 20, 2014

I am between endings and beginnings, in the in between place . It is a place I am familiar with and which is often not recognised or named as a valid phase in our lives. I have found life to be made up of cycles and knowing what part of a cycle I am in helps me accept my life as it is in that moment. When I resigned from my job in April I closed a door without knowing what was next. All I knew was that I was unwell and needed to get out of that physical environment quickly. I had no idea how I would earn an income. I went into free fall.


IMG_0418What I did not expect was that three months later I would still be working as a contractor for the same employer, on reduced hours three days a week from home. It has been a day by day proposition that is continuing until a permanent replacement is found. This temporary work will end in the next few weeks and my employment future is then uncertain. What next? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I need to stay faithful and allow the process I am in full expression. The in between place between endings and new beginnings was once named for me by my dear friend Georgie as the ‘fertile void’. The place of all possibilities where there is no certainty and where everything is possible. It is the place out of which everything is born. The place between endings and beginnings can be rich, mysterious, soulful and sometimes uncomfortable and challenging. It is a place where we have an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves on a deeper level, a place to call back lost parts of ourselves. Barbara Ann Brennan identified this phase for me many years ago in her book ‘Light Emerging’.


When Georgie named the fertile void for me my life was much more ‘void’ than it is now. It was a void created by a series of endings in 2000, first losIMG_0266ing my health as I entered Chronic Fatigue, then losing my job and ability to work, then losing a child with a miscarriage, then my relationship ending, then the home I was renting being sold so that I became homeless. This series of endings culminated on Christmas Day, 2000, the day that my pregnancy had been due. I was  literally and metaphorically on my knees and had absolutely nothing to hold onto. In that stripped bare state, I felt a very deep sense of surrender wash through me and carry me. I felt completely alone and yet held in loving hands by an unseen force. Carolyn Myss eloquently says that we need to call our spirits back and that is what I committed to do. When there is nothing external to hang onto the only way to go is in.

I am calling more of my spirit back in this time. Consciously reconnecting. I believe when I get sick that it is because something deep in me is calling for attention. It has been my experience that healing, deep healing requires working on all levels, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Our intrinsic state is one of wellness and wholeness. Illness provides an opportunity to peel away the layers that are in the way of our experiencing that.


Joseph Campbell said “Wandering time is positive. Don’t think of new things, don’t think of achievement, don’t think of anything of the kind. Just think, “where do I feel good? What is giving me joy? “. Get those pressure ideas out of your system, and then you can find, like a ball on a roulette wheel, where you are going to land.”



The interim work that I am currently doing appeared out of the void created when I leapt into the unknown in April. This blog also arose unexpectedly and my creative expression has been juiced up with the motivation to express myself through photography and share it through the vehicle of Instagram and this blog. I am listening, listening to my own internal whispers that are guiding me to delve, to explore and practice new ways of being that will enable me to be more resilient.

What is next ? I don’t know, that will be revealed in time. What I do know is what is now and I am so grateful to have this time to dive in and to be supported with temporary paid work whilst I do that.