I am between endings and beginnings, in the in between place . It is a place I am familiar with and which is often not recognised or named as a valid phase in our lives. I have found life to be made up of cycles and knowing what part of a cycle I am in helps me accept my life as it is in that moment. When I resigned from my job in April I closed a door without knowing what was next. All I knew was that I was unwell and needed to get out of that physical environment quickly. I had no idea how I would earn an income. I went into free fall.
What I did not expect was that three months later I would still be working as a contractor for the same employer, on reduced hours three days a week from home. It has been a day by day proposition that is continuing until a permanent replacement is found. This temporary work will end in the next few weeks and my employment future is then uncertain. What next? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I need to stay faithful and allow the process I am in full expression. The in between place between endings and new beginnings was once named for me by my dear friend Georgie as the ‘fertile void’. The place of all possibilities where there is no certainty and where everything is possible. It is the place out of which everything is born. The place between endings and beginnings can be rich, mysterious, soulful and sometimes uncomfortable and challenging. It is a place where we have an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves on a deeper level, a place to call back lost parts of ourselves. Barbara Ann Brennan identified this phase for me many years ago in her book ‘Light Emerging’.
When Georgie named the fertile void for me my life was much more ‘void’ than it is now. It was a void created by a series of endings in 2000, first los
ing my health as I entered Chronic Fatigue, then losing my job and ability to work, then losing a child with a miscarriage, then my relationship ending, then the home I was renting being sold so that I became homeless. This series of endings culminated on Christmas Day, 2000, the day that my pregnancy had been due. I was literally and metaphorically on my knees and had absolutely nothing to hold onto. In that stripped bare state, I felt a very deep sense of surrender wash through me and carry me. I felt completely alone and yet held in loving hands by an unseen force. Carolyn Myss eloquently says that we need to call our spirits back and that is what I committed to do. When there is nothing external to hang onto the only way to go is in.
I am calling more of my spirit back in this time. Consciously reconnecting. I believe when I get sick that it is because something deep in me is calling for attention. It has been my experience that healing, deep healing requires working on all levels, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Our intrinsic state is one of wellness and wholeness. Illness provides an opportunity to peel away the layers that are in the way of our experiencing that.
Joseph Campbell said “Wandering time is positive. Don’t think of new things, don’t think of achievement, don’t think of anything of the kind. Just think, “where do I feel good? What is giving me joy? “. Get those pressure ideas out of your system, and then you can find, like a ball on a roulette wheel, where you are going to land.”
The interim work that I am currently doing appeared out of the void created when I leapt into the unknown in April. This blog also arose unexpectedly and my creative expression has been juiced up with the motivation to express myself through photography and share it through the vehicle of Instagram and this blog. I am listening, listening to my own internal whispers that are guiding me to delve, to explore and practice new ways of being that will enable me to be more resilient.
What is next ? I don’t know, that will be revealed in time. What I do know is what is now and I am so grateful to have this time to dive in and to be supported with temporary paid work whilst I do that.
Gradually I have felt more comfortable and adventurous. I did have a break from walking there during the summer months after nearly stepping on a snake, a very long python that gave me a fright!
ent, considering my options before choosing one. Sometimes it leads nowhere and I backtrack, sometimes it opens up to something much more than I was expecting. I am enjoying this exploration of the forest, the bird calls a constant delight. A few days ago a friend asked to come with me as she had never been in the reserve and wanted to explore it too. I became her tour guide.
ur steps, that exploration awaits us on another day.
With three children some chickens and a guinea pig their household is a lot livelier than mine and I love it because of that. Whilst the banana pancakes were being made, out in the back yard I went, exploring and taking (very artistic!) photos of chickens. It was all about the colour, the light, the composition and the angles. Plus I had never noticed before how evocative the clothes hanging on the clothes line were.
ry basic camera, an aim and fire camera without special lenses, which is why I had judged my photography as somehow not valid photography. The new smartphones epidemic now means that everyone has cameras at their finger tips most of the time and photography has become something everyone does and can ‘do’. Me included.
been feeling intimidated by a blank canvas or page, unsure of the ‘right’ thing to do.
martphone is motivated by the desire to use resources economically, my financial resources and therefore my energy as well as the earth’s resources. I have a passion for recycling and utilising existing resources to minimise waste. I am a frequenter of markets and second hand stores and many of my clothes and furniture are acquired there. I love both the thrill of the search and the joy and satisfaction experienced in the finding of ‘treasures’. This winter a hand knitted poncho, in pinks and purples, tassels and trimmings, is keeping me warm most nights. It was a $4 purchase from the local church thrift store. Bargain!
e and caused me to re think what I automatically do. She washes the clingwrap that she has used on a dish of food and re-uses it again and again rather than throwing it out after one use. I have always seen clingwrap as a one use item. Of course it is not!
han printers themselves and so often people are discarding their old printers and buying a new one, instead of buying a replacement cartridge when the ink runs out. This saddens me.
d not respond to herbs as they normally would. Like piecing together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, I finally realised in April this year that the gradual deterioration I had been experiencing was due to breathing in toxic fumes off gassing from fumigated boxes imported from overseas. Can I prove it? No. Whilst my two co-workers did not appear to be affected I had to trust both my logic and more importantly I had to trust my intuition, which was giving me ever increasing insistent messages.
is year my deterioration accelerated and my alarm bells went off. In the midst of a massage, during which I had prayed to receive healing, the word ‘neurotoxin’ popped into my clear quiet mind. It was as if it was being whispered insistently into my ear. It got my attention. I began investigating the fumigation chemical Methyl Bromide and found it affects the nervous system, respiratory system and liver. Aha!
s, regular walks and time in nature, Kinesiology and Neuro Cranio Restructuring sessions to help soothe my stressed nervous system, deep rest yoga classes to teach my body how to relax and unwind, tapping on meridian points with EFT (emotional freedom technique), taking supplements; liver herbs, parasite herbs, vitamins, minerals and especially a detoxification product. Natural Cellular Defense, made from the mineral zeolite that helped me get well in 2006, oil pulling; swishing organic sesame oil in my mouth every morning for 20 minutes which helps detoxify the body, listening to meditation tapes, doing breathing exercises, rubbing neuro emotional points on my body, visiting Kiva Spa to relax and detoxify via the use of the sauna, dance classes to connect me to my life force, to my joy, as a release. Two months ago I was laying on the floor in the class crying because I felt so unwell, now I can not only complete a whole class, I feel uplifted by it.
We are all exposed to an increasing number of invisible toxins, heavy metals and chemicals, in our modern world and some of us are the ‘canaries’ signalling their presence. A doctor I saw who supported my decision to leave the workplace told me ‘it is hard to prove’ and yes if I am looking for scientific validation then it is. I have found that many doctors don’t understand the factors that contribute to chronic fatigue type illnesses or understand the impact of the increasing toxic load we are all accumulating and living with. Some of us are genetically pre-disposed to not excrete environmental toxins as well as others.
Joining Toastmasters led me to other experiences that I never would have dreamed of doing. Within three months of joining the club, still a very nervous and inexperienced speaker some friends started a monthly music event at a local hall called the Mullumbimby Folk Music club, a showcase of original music. They said ‘Great Megan, you do public speaking, so you can be the MC.” This was another moment when something unexpected was presented to me, it felt absolutely terrifying and yet I knew deep down that I needed to do it. With my pulse racing I agreed.
nal, revealing myself to me, as well as revealing me to others.
Listening To The Whispers 